There have been moments in all of our lives when we questioned our circumstances. I've been lucky that I have been mostly heart-led in my life, having chosen to work for some tough causes over the years. I love the work. I'm grateful for the opportunities I've had to work with some incredible people. I stopped enjoying my life when I experienced loss.
When my aunt passed away earlier this year, I lost my mother-like figure. She cheered me on during some very tough moments trying to build a business, running it, raising a daughter all at the same time. She also supported and prayed with me through some difficult personal hardships, and not having her voice on the other end of the phone this last three months has been hard. I never gave myself permission to heal from the loss of my aunt or my dear friend Lynne or any of the other challenges I've faced over these last few stressful years. I've just kept working, and not really living life to its fullest, or experiencing very much joy, outside of my job. I've wanted to make my aunt and my grandmother, the angels that watch over me, proud.
Healing trauma and dealing with grief is a process. Giving yourself the time to work on you, and being thoughtful and intentional about it is important. I'm learning that finding community with common challenges is helpful, and embracing your pain instead of running from it can be freeing.
The other night, I was talking to my daughter about the best memories I've ever had, and they were times I spent with her growing up. I raised her with a lot of love and honesty, and we have been through quite a journey. Recently she got into a pretty bad car accident on a weekend trip to meet me at the beach. I was at the scene watching the firemen and police officers cut her out of the totaled vehicle, where she was trapped under the steering wheel. I saw my life falling further apart as I stood weeping in fear of losing yet another person I loved. She is alive, and well, but the experience reminded me of my fragility, and my deep love for my daughter, the thing I am actually most proud of in my life. I was awakened that day, of the time that I had lost with her over the years working so hard, and the reality of the fear of what losing her could have meant. Our trips to the beach were good times in our lives, and I want to reclaim those joyful moments.
My prayer is that I will continue to heal, regain my joy and to use my life to be a resource to my friends, family, daughter and those I serve and love.